1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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