i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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