3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
