My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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