so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
