He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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