Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
