Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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