Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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