she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
