Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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