i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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