dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
