she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
