My sheets look like a crime scene.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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