dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
