My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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