if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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