Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
