Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
