Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
