Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
