Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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