I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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