I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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