Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
