I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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