it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
