Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
