Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
