when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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