just come out here and I will go home with you...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
