i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
