She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
