I heard we made out
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
