I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
