I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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