The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
