I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
