woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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