I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
