I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
