just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
