Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
50% drunk capacity currently
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
