Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
