my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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