i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
