then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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