A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She's like a pop up book from hell.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
