my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
