genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
