I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
