have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
