Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
